The Slippery Slide of Soap

The Slippery Slope of Soap....

Dateline December 2nd, 2011

Soap Industry CEOs have been testifying this week before the Senatorial Under Committee Keeping Everything Regulated. Follows are selected excerpts from these hearings.

Senator Harry Reid, Dem, NV. “Assembled masses, you will remember that two years ago I reminded everyone that the Capitol has been subjected to unreasonably odorous obfuscations from the general public. In fact my exact quote was:

"My staff tells me not to say this, but I'm going to say it anyway. In the summer because of the heat and high humidity, you could literally smell the tourists coming into the Capitol. It may be descriptive but it's true."

Now a year hence the Capitol has not, in fact, become less smelly and we hold you, the manufactures of soap to be criminally negligent in this matter, what have you to say for yourselves?

Michael Treschow, Global Chairman of Unilever, “Honorable and esteemed Senator Reid, thank you for allowing me, on behalf of the global soap industry to address this august body today, I will be pleased to report the progress that we have made in our efforts to clean up society’s ills during the past year since the Soap Act of 2010 when we received the generous $10B Senate Oversight Augmentation Providing Select Companies Unearned Money. First, I would like to again thank the committee for their wise foresight to NOT identify this as a bailout, although the exact acronym of this necessary grant proved to be somewhat cumbersome for our industry.

Sect. of Commerce Bill Richardson, “Mr. Treschow, please do not waste the committee’s time, I have already had to re-grow my beard due to the elimination of yours company’s production of Dove soap, the only soap that had been effective on my gentle face, rather than whine about the money we’ve already provided you, why not explain to us what you are actually doing to clean up your act?!”

Treschow, “Thank you, your esteemedness Secretary Richardson, I was hoping to broach this exact issue with you and I will refer you know to Exhibit A, titled, “Don’t Bail Out The Baby With The Bath Water.” To recap, one year ago the soap industry received a Federal Authorization Re-numeration Transfer from this body to assist the soap industry slip through the tight situation that we found ourselves in. For the first time in recent history sales of soap products had been in serious decline and several new and unavoidable events coalesced and precipitated this crisis, they included:

1.) A general desire in the American populace, especially amongst younger consumers to be more European, hence general hygiene and bathing became less frequent.

2.) The very reasonable and understandable generalized hysteria about the dangers of polluted water, the scarcity of water in general and a near non-stop educational push to conserve water resulted in shorter, less frequent showering and bathing, i.e. less soap usage amongst the populace. I refer you to our internal study, chart 1-A on page 5 titled, Personal Environmental Effects, Youth Odors Origins.

3.) An unusually cool summer, obviously a result of Global Warming, combined with the successful obliteration of all P.E. classes in lieu of social indoctrination, I mean, the Whole Health American Citizen Knowledge Education Directives, has resulted in less sweating in general.

Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, “Mr. Treschow, you are blathering, something we’ve grown tired of from the soap industry, as I travel around the world I continue to hear that the Ugly American is becoming the Smelly American, we clearly and plainly laid out a path to success for the soap industry a year ago, give us a report on why you need more money, yet again.”

Treschow, “Thank you very generously most benevolent Secretary Clinton I was just getting to that point, but first please allow me to review some facts,

Sect. Clinton, “Make it snappy bucko, some of us have laundry to do.”

Treschow, “Yes, of course... You will recall that a year ago I reported to this committee that our signature product, Dove soap, was suddenly and significantly reporting vastly reduced sales for the above mentioned reasons, the soap industry applied for, and received a grant to avoid a bankruptcy which carried several specific provisos, I refer you to the provisos in your handouts titled, Provisos On Other Pages. Among the conditions was the elimination of our suddenly unprofitable marquis product, Dove soap and a replacement with the Federally mandated alternative soap, Shove. Although I’m quite confident that the Senate has more collective wisdom on how to clean up problems on the consumer level more than the combined years of industry knowledge and research in our industry/

Nancy Pelosi, Dem California, “Excuse me Mr. Treschow, I sense sarcasm in your remarks, as the ranking elected official whose constituents have the largest number of bath houses I would remind you to limit your remarks to the issues of the day.

Treschow, “Yes, yes, of course your honor, I mean, madame Speaker... as I was saying, Dove soap had been in precipitous decline since January of 2009 and linked to our assistance was the requirement that we roll out the alternative cleaning product Shove instead. To review this new product came in a much smaller, more environmentally sensitive capsule only 1/20 the size of our original product and wrapped in post-consumer content brown paper rather that the elaborate shiny paper that was alleged to have been denuding rain forests. You will recall that this committee required that this new product be inserted in citizens nether regions as a means of offsetting individual odors rather than the unnecessary and water resource wasting general habit of entire body lathering that we had, in the words of this committee, conspired with the toothpaste industry with to invite the public to waste water. It brings me no pleasure to report now that in spite of our best marketing efforts to convince the public to forgo wasteful showering and instead inject themselves, non-orally, with Shove capsules that this replacement product has also not been a success and we now require another round of financing to avoid the collapse of our industry.

Senator John McCain, Rep AZ, “Chairman Treschow, my friend, as honorary Chair of Mature Arizonans Demanding More Accountability Now, you can appreciate that the limber contortions that your product requires are tortuous for the average consumer, especially the elderly in our society?”

Treschow, “Yes, yes of course Senator McCain, which is why we lobbied so vigorously for less intrusive measures a year ago.”

McCain, “Then you’ll be pleased to know, my friend, that your government is working well, and working well together and we have devised a Federal solution to this dilemma that will require no further reengineering of the Shove product which we maintain is correct, whether the public appreciates or understands that yet or not, We will be issuing with the next round of General Assistance Social Security payments individual collapsible plungers for insertion of Shove soaps in the privacy of one’s own home. I hold in my hand what looks otherwise like a conductor’s baton, the prototype was an old-fashioned telescoping car radio antenna and I’m pleased to announce that this co-operative effort is yet another collaboration with the beleaguered auto industry for another market for one of their products.”

Senator Reid, “All those in favor of proceeding with this effort raise your right... I mean say “Aye”, the ayes have it, meeting adjourned.”